Blackbird Advice: Let’s Talk about Sex

For this week’s Advice column, I thought we’d grill the Blackbird pack on a little thing called sex.

They, as you can imagine, are thrilled.  Let’s get to it shall we.

What’s the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?

*A very long, awkward silence before the entire pack looks expectantly at Darren*

Darren: What? I’m not the only adventurous bastard in the pack.

Josh: But you are the most perverted wanker here.

Darren: There’s no need to get all jealous because you haven’t been laid in ages.

Lorcan: It’s been my experience that those who talk most, do the least.

Josh: Right. How about we have a nice rabbit stew for supper, eh?

Elaine: Prats.

Steve: Could we possibly stick to answering the questions? Just this once?

Gareth: No.  Oi, fox, where is the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?

Darren: Supply closet at the Interpol headquarters.

Josh: You randy bastard.

Darren: You know, the jealous shade of green brings out the darker tones in your eyes.  You’re so dreamy.

All right then, next question. What’s your favourite position?

Gareth: On top.

Darren: Cause he’s never there.

Gareth: Says the fox who’s whipped by his mistress.

Darren: This from the wolf who couldn’t drum up a yes from his mate.

Steve: She’ll say yes.

Lorcan:  Perhaps the yes would’ve come if you’d remembered to actually ask.

Steve: Next. Question. Now.

And as I have a rule never to mess with a grumpy wolf.

What turns you on?

Darren: A light switch?

Elaine: You are a kinky tosser.

Gareth: Ivy’s laughter.

Steve: Ivy.

Lorcan: Rugby kit.

Josh: Confidence.  The sway of a confident woman’s hips.

What turns you off?

Josh: Darren.

Darren: Josh.

Elaine: Idiotic prats. See the above answers for why.

Gareth: Stuffy sods with no sense of humour.

Steve: Ignorance.

Elaine: Explains why he doesn’t like any of you tossers.

Lorcan: People who hunt rabbits.

Darren: You kill one bloody rabbit and suddenly the hare shifter hates you for life.

What’s the sexiest thing your partner could wear in bed?

Gareth: A smile.

Steve: My shirt.

Lorcan: Rugby kit.

Gareth: For the love of…we get it, all right, horny bugger.  We know all about your sordid little love affair.

Lorcan: There’s nothing sordid about it.

Gareth: Sounds better than saying you’ve been in love with the same man for years. It’s a bit boring, isn’t it?

Lorcan: Not when he’s in his rugby kit.

Darren: Natasha has this lovely little leather number.

Josh: It comes with a whip and cuffs.

Darren: Oi.

Before this devolves into yet another spat between old friends, we’ll leave this week’s column here.

Have burning question you’d like to pose to the pack? Leave a comment with it or contact me here and I’ll use it in the next advice blog.