For this week’s Advice column, I thought we’d grill the Blackbird pack on a little thing called sex.
They, as you can imagine, are thrilled. Let’s get to it shall we.
What’s the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?
*A very long, awkward silence before the entire pack looks expectantly at Darren*
Darren: What? I’m not the only adventurous bastard in the pack.
Josh: But you are the most perverted wanker here.
Darren: There’s no need to get all jealous because you haven’t been laid in ages.
Lorcan: It’s been my experience that those who talk most, do the least.
Josh: Right. How about we have a nice rabbit stew for supper, eh?
Steve: Could we possibly stick to answering the questions? Just this once?
Gareth: No. Oi, fox, where is the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?
Darren: Supply closet at the Interpol headquarters.
Josh: You randy bastard.
Darren: You know, the jealous shade of green brings out the darker tones in your eyes. You’re so dreamy.
*A punch may or may not have been thrown. I’ve been bribed into secrecy.*
Elaine: Unlike the deviants of the pack, I’ve only ever had relations in normal locations.
Gareth: Relations? If you…
Steve: Next question.
All right then, next question. What’s your favourite position?
Gareth: On top.
Darren: Cause he’s never there.
Gareth: Says the fox who’s whipped by his mistress.
Darren: This from the wolf who couldn’t drum up a yes from his mate.
Steve: She’ll say yes.
Lorcan: Perhaps the yes would’ve come if you’d remembered to actually ask.
Steve: Next. Question. Now.
And as I have a rule never to mess with a grumpy wolf.
What turns you on?
Darren: A light switch?
Elaine: You are a kinky tosser.
Gareth: Ivy’s laughter.
Lorcan: Rugby kit.
Josh: Confidence. The sway of a confident woman’s hips.
What turns you off?
Elaine: Idiotic prats. See the above answers for why.
Gareth: Stuffy sods with no sense of humour.
Elaine: Explains why he doesn’t like any of you tossers.
Lorcan: People who hunt rabbits.
Darren: You kill one bloody rabbit and suddenly the hare shifter hates you for life.
What’s the sexiest thing your partner could wear in bed?
Gareth: A smile.
Steve: My shirt.
Lorcan: Rugby kit.
Gareth: For the love of…we get it, all right, horny bugger. We know all about your sordid little love affair.
Lorcan: There’s nothing sordid about it.
Gareth: Sounds better than saying you’ve been in love with the same man for years. It’s a bit boring, isn’t it?
Lorcan: Not when he’s in his rugby kit.
Darren: Natasha has this lovely little leather number.
Josh: It comes with a whip and cuffs.
Before this devolves into yet another spat between old friends, we’ll leave this week’s column here.
Have burning question you’d like to pose to the pack? Leave a comment with it or contact me here and I’ll use it in the next advice blog.