Blackbird Advice: Free Time

Two wolves playing near forest

Another one form the grab bag of questions from readers.

What do you do in your free time?

Josh: Wank.

Elaine: Oh. My. God. You utter prat.

Josh: did I offend your sensitive ears?

Elaine: I’ll bash you over your blasted ears.

Josh: Temper, temper.

Steve: Who says they have free time?

Darren: Tyrant.

Josh: Lorcan eats carrots in his free time.

Gareth: Yeah, Ronan’s carrot.

Lorcan: Jealous?

Natasha: Are we going to bother with answering the actual question?

Darren: No.

Gareth: Is the naughty fox going to get a spanking?

Steve: I think I need bleach for my brain to get the visual out of my head.

Natasha: Did we scare you, wolf?

Josh:  The boss doesn’t scare.

Elaine:  Nope. The only thing that scares him is Ivy in a bad mood.

Darren: He’s whipped.

Gareth: Says the fox who gets spanked frequently by his mate.

Natasha: Why do we even pretend these interviews are going to accomplish anything?

Elaine: Too much blasted beer. It’s rotted our brains.

Lorcan: You assume they have brains.

Josh: I can still turn you into stew.

Lorcan: And I can still get you between the eyes with a sniper rifle and you’ll never see me.

Steve: I think we’re done for the day.

Insightful as always.

Don’t forget, if you have any questions for the pack, just shoot them over to me. Email

Blackbird Advice: What is sexy?

Two wolves playing near forest

The question was emailed to me to pose to the pack.  I’m hesitant to even ask, but here we go.

What is sexy?

Darren: Me.

Elaine: Prat.

Darren: What? Is it a lie? Look at me.

Elaine: I’d rather not vomit up my breakfast, thanks.

Steve: Is it possible to have one of these damn things without you lot devolving into snarling children?

Josh: No.

Steve: Why don’t we just answer the bloody question?  Sexy to me is the curve of Ivy’s neck and the way her hair curls around it. The way she smiles when she’s working on her photography.

Darren: Basically, Ivy. Honestly, why do you even bother asking him or Gareth? They answer the same damn way every time.

Elaine: Confidence is sexy, and not the over-confident wankers I work with. Over-confidence is not sexy at all.

Gareth: The way tight jeans cling to a woman’s arse is sexy.

Natasha: Submission is sexy.

Josh: Kinky fox.

Natasha: Do not knock what you haven’t had the courage to try.

Josh: Oi!

Lorcan: You’re all off your rockers.  Sexy is being all sweaty and muddy after a rugby match in tight shorts and a t-shirt.

Gareth: That’s called being in need of a bath.

Lorcan: Yeah? Have you seen the way Ivy watches footie matches? It’s not for the game itself.

Elaine: The rabbit has a point.

Lorcan: Bloody kitten.

Elaine: Kitten: Did he just call me a bloody kitten?

Steve: Oh bloody hell, change back, Elaine.  You can’t scratch up Lorcan’s pretty face.

*scuffling and a very loud snarl from a cougar.*

Steve: Interview over.

Well, that worked out well.

Don’t forget, if you have any questions for the pack, just shoot them over to me. Email

Blackbird Advice: Random

Two wolves playing near forest

I’ve had a number of people send in random questions, so I figured I’d through them all at the pack.

Who is the worst dresser?

All the blokes in unison: Elaine

Elaine: Pillocks.

Darren: Are we wrong, Gibbsy?

Elaine: No, but you’re still pillocks.

Pack member most likely to get arrested?

Darren: Josh

Josh:  Me? For what?

Natasha Didn’t the rabbit get himself arrested once already?

Darren: You give an Irishman a drink…

*Sounds of scuffling.*

Lorcan: Being Irish had nothing to do with it.

Darren: So you say.

Who gets the worst jobs?

Josh: Sammie.

Darren: That’s because the little punk refuses to do anything other than shit jobs.

Favourite Movie?

Elaine:  Darren cries every time he watches the Fox and the Hound.

*Darren is dragged from the room by Steve.*

Elaine: What? He does.  Sensitive bastard.  My favourite films are the Harry Potter series.

Josh: Anything where things go boom.

Natasha: I don’t have time for movies.

Who has the worst jokes?

Josh: Gareth.

Gareth: That’s rich coming from you.

Have questions for the pack? Shoot me an email with them.

 

Blackbird Advice: Let’s Talk about Sex

Two wolves playing near forest

For this week’s Advice column, I thought we’d grill the Blackbird pack on a little thing called sex.

They, as you can imagine, are thrilled.  Let’s get to it shall we.

What’s the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?

*A very long, awkward silence before the entire pack looks expectantly at Darren*

Darren: What? I’m not the only adventurous bastard in the pack.

Josh: But you are the most perverted wanker here.

Darren: There’s no need to get all jealous because you haven’t been laid in ages.

Lorcan: It’s been my experience that those who talk most, do the least.

Josh: Right. How about we have a nice rabbit stew for supper, eh?

Elaine: Prats.

Steve: Could we possibly stick to answering the questions? Just this once?

Gareth: No.  Oi, fox, where is the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?

Darren: Supply closet at the Interpol headquarters.

Josh: You randy bastard.

Darren: You know, the jealous shade of green brings out the darker tones in your eyes.  You’re so dreamy.

*A punch may or may not have been thrown.  I’ve been bribed into secrecy.*
Elaine:  Unlike the deviants of the pack, I’ve only ever had relations in normal locations.
Gareth: Relations?  If you…
Steve: Next question.

All right then, next question. What’s your favourite position?

Gareth: On top.

Darren: Cause he’s never there.

Gareth: Says the fox who’s whipped by his mistress.

Darren: This from the wolf who couldn’t drum up a yes from his mate.

Steve: She’ll say yes.

Lorcan:  Perhaps the yes would’ve come if you’d remembered to actually ask.

Steve: Next. Question. Now.

And as I have a rule never to mess with a grumpy wolf.

What turns you on?

Darren: A light switch?

Elaine: You are a kinky tosser.

Gareth: Ivy’s laughter.

Steve: Ivy.

Lorcan: Rugby kit.

Josh: Confidence.  The sway of a confident woman’s hips.

What turns you off?

Josh: Darren.

Darren: Josh.

Elaine: Idiotic prats. See the above answers for why.

Gareth: Stuffy sods with no sense of humour.

Steve: Ignorance.

Elaine: Explains why he doesn’t like any of you tossers.

Lorcan: People who hunt rabbits.

Darren: You kill one bloody rabbit and suddenly the hare shifter hates you for life.

What’s the sexiest thing your partner could wear in bed?

Gareth: A smile.

Steve: My shirt.

Lorcan: Rugby kit.

Gareth: For the love of…we get it, all right, horny bugger.  We know all about your sordid little love affair.

Lorcan: There’s nothing sordid about it.

Gareth: Sounds better than saying you’ve been in love with the same man for years. It’s a bit boring, isn’t it?

Lorcan: Not when he’s in his rugby kit.

Darren: Natasha has this lovely little leather number.

Josh: It comes with a whip and cuffs.

Darren: Oi.

Before this devolves into yet another spat between old friends, we’ll leave this week’s column here.

Have burning question you’d like to pose to the pack? Leave a comment with it or contact me here and I’ll use it in the next advice blog.

Blackbird Advice: Meeting The Family

Two wolves playing near forestThis week’s advice column is all about the dreaded ‘meeting of the parents.’ As always, I’d recommend taking the pack’s advice with a rather large dose of salt.  It might also be wise not to drink anything while reading. I’d hate for you to ruin your keyboard. =)

Elaine: or not taking the advice at all.

Darren: Speak for yourself, my advice is brilliant.

Elaine: Brilliantly daft.

Right. Shall we get back on track? How soon do you usually meet the parents?

Josh: Never.

Elaine: Poor, lonely little kitty.

Josh: I’ll wreck your blasted computer systems if you keep that up.

Elaine: Tosser.

*Sounds of someone being kicked in the shins…hard.*

Lorcan: I met the parents when I was in short trousers.  I was a handsome little bugger back then. Made it easy to charm them.

Gareth: Blood rabbit.  Are you sure we can’t turn him into stew?

Steve: Settle down you lot.  Does this always have to be a test on my patience?

Natasha: Da.

Gareth: Yes.

Let’s move on.  What’s the best way to make a good impression?

Gareth: Borrow Steve’s Aston martin.

Darren: And his credit card.

Lorcan: Or you could try just being yourself?

Elaine: Not those tossers.  Have you met them? That’s terrible advice for them.

Natasha: Parents will either appreciate who you are, or not, yes? So being yourself is the most straight-forward course of action.

Josh: Says the woman with a knife strapped to her boot.

Perhaps a knife isn’t the best way to win over anyone?  We’ll just leave that particular issue alone.  How do you prepare for meeting the parents?

Darren: All the blasted ale I can find.

Josh: What the fox said.

Gareth: Hard liquor.

Lorcan: I bring his mother a bouquet of wildflowers, and his father a pint or two of Guinness,  it tends to smooth any and all ruffled feathers.

Elaine: I don’t.

Josh: Poor, lonely kitty.

*sounds of snarling and chairs being knocked over.*
And I think that’s all we’re going to get out of them this week.

Have burning question you’d like to pose to the pack? Leave a comment with it  or contact me here and I’ll use it in the next advice blog.

First Date Advice Blackbird Style

Two wolves playing near forest

First date advice from the Blackbird pack. I’d take the advice with a mighty large grain of salt and certainly at your own risk. =)

Elaine: Who’d be dim witted enough to listen to us?

How do you prepare for a first date?

Josh: Darren generally shaves his entire…

*loud sound of scuffling*

Josh: I was confused. Darren never shaves his entire body, my sincere apologies.

Darren: Wanker.

Gareth: They don’t get out much.

*more scuffling*

Steve: I generally lock the animals up before I go anywhere.

Gareth: Prat.

Steve: Alpha.

Elaine: Prat alpha?

Could we perhaps answer the question? How do you prepare for a first date?

Josh: We usually scrub Darren down and douse him with flea stuff before a date.

Darren: At least I have dates.

Lorcan: Sorry for the fools, lass. First dates are important, making a great first impression is critical to the second date. You have to be yourself. Smelling good is important as well.

Josh: See, that’s why we scrub the fox down.

Steve: I’m with the hare. You should always put your best foot forward.

Gareth: Which is why I always go on first dates for Steve.

Josh: Ouch.

Steve: Who kissed Ivy first?

Gareth: Bastard.

Maybe we should move on to another question. Who pays on the first date?

Steve: I do.

Elaine: Whoever issued the invite.

Gareth: Steve does.

Elaine: Cheap bastard.

How do you know the date is going well?

Gareth: I’m on it.

Lorcan: If my date asks for a second one before the first is even close to being over, I know I’ve done it right.

Josh: Darren knows the date is going well when Natasha tells him.

*Less scuffling, more banging and thumping*

Steve: The best sign your first date is going well is if your date moves closer to you as opposed to farther away.

What’s your favourite place to go on a first date?

Gareth: Jazz club.

Josh: Footie match.

Darren: Which is why you haven’t had a date in a year or more.

Elaine: Do online dates count?

All the men: No.

Elaine: Wankers.

And thus concludes another useful…or useless…session of advice from the Blackbird pack.

Have burning question you’d like to pose to the pack? Leave a comment with it and I’ll use it in the next advice blog.